


How it feels without you by my side

by VladimirVampier



Category: Banana Bus Squad
Genre: Delirious and Evan are maried, Emotional Hurt, Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, Luke works at an office, M/M, Multi, Ohm still does a bit of youtube, Theyre way older, song inspired fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-26
Updated: 2020-04-26
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:20:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23855989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VladimirVampier/pseuds/VladimirVampier
Summary: Ryan and Luke have been in a relationship for a long time, but something changed and they dont know what.Ryan feels like Luke isn't willing to fight for him.Luke wonders if he is good enough for Ryan.Inspired by the song 'Hoe het danst' by Armin van Buren.
Relationships: Evan Fong/Jonathan | H2ODelirious, Luke Patterson/Ryan | Ohmwrecker
Comments: 6
Kudos: 25





	How it feels without you by my side

“I’m home!” 

Luke calls out half-heartedly. There was no response. It was no surprise to Luke, he had noticed all the lights were off. For a moment Luke wondered if Ryan had already gone to bed, but then he remembered that Ryan wasn’t home at all. He had gone out with their friends, they had gone to some club, probably. 

With a sigh, Luke loosened his tie and placed his bag besides the couch. Ryan had asked him multiple times to come with them, to let loose, go out. He had begged him to not work late for once. Luke had told him he’d try, but they both knew that wasn’t the truth. He’d go to work at 7:30 in the morning and wouldn’t be back before 9 in the evening, like he had done for the last 4 weeks by now. 

Luke shrugged out of his jacket, which he placed over the armrest of the couch. He huffed as he gave his bag, filled with endless paperwork, a nasty look. But he knew he couldn’t blame it on work alone. And as he walked towards the fridge, he wondered when he had become the way he was now. 

Ryan downed the rest of his vodka-ice and stood from the barstool. “C'mon, Craig!” he shouted,” Let’s dance!” As he pulled the other along to the part of the club designed for dancing, he ignored some of the worried looks from his friends. He knew Tyler and Anthony meant well, but he couldn’t deal with that right now. He came here to forget. 

To forget about the fact that Luke wasn’t there. To forget that his boyfriend would rather spend his time at the office than with him. He harshly pushed the feeling of despair back to the dark corner it came from and started dancing to the beat. They moved closer to the big sound system. The louder the music, the easier Ryan was able to drown out his thoughts. 

After a bit, he felt an elbow bump into him and he noticed that Evan and Jonathan had joined them. Jonathan gave him a smile, but Ryan could spot the pain in his eyes. He could not give the other a smile back. He wasn’t able to. Too much memories, too much thoughts. 

All the things he did not want to remember came flooding his brain when he looked at Jonathan. His long-time friend and the one to bring him and Luke together. As Jon’s smile fell, he looked away and swallowed harshly. But the lump in his throat had no intension of leaving. 

A hissing sound escaped the can of beer as Luke cracked it open. His mind felt foggy as he went to sit on the couch. And as he took a sip, the thoughts he tried so desperately to keep at bay came rushing forth. He could still see the excitement on Ryan’s face as he told them of their friend’s plan to go out together. The reserved smile on his face as Luke stayed silent, not sure how to react. He could not forget the way hope left Ryan’s eyes as Luke told him he’d try to be home on time. 

Nothing more was said as Ryan went back to the kitchen. Luke put away his stuff and walked over to the kitchen table. A plate of food was put in front of him, followed by a glass of water. When he asked the other if he’d dine with him, his answer was no. “I’ve already eaten, I’m going to finish editing a video,” Ryan had said and left for his recording room. Luke ate in silence and went to bed alone that night. 

Ryan tried not to think about the morning as he let the music wash over him. The normality of Luke kissing him goodbye, wishing him a good time. He had nodded and wished him good luck at work. But the underlying feelings and negative energy made it anything but normal. So many things he wanted to say, but he knew he couldn’t. So many things he wanted to ask, for him to stay home for once, to come home early. He wanted to ask Luke to spend some time with him, like a normal couple would. But he couldn’t. 

He had asked once and that didn’t go over well. One of their many recent fights. It was always about the same thing. Never once did they say what they actually meant or wanted to say. Ryan closed his eyes and danced. He wondered how it would feel to dance alone. Slowly forgetting the feeling of being in Luke’s arms as they slow danced through the living room. 

There was no use in holding back his feelings. Luke was alone and his boyfriend was off dancing with somebody else. He crushed the now empty can in his hand as he felt his feelings overwhelm him. How did this happen to them? They were so happy together. 

In the beginning, they were shy, flirtatious and oh so nervous. It took some time, and a lot of coaxing from Jonathan’s part, before Luke asked Ryan out. They went on the most cliché dates they could, going to the movies, taking a walk in the park, feeding the ducks in the pond. Every time they held hands, Luke couldn’t help but stare into the other’s eyes. 

After their 5th date, Luke kissed Ryan. They had been lying in the grass in Luke’s backyard, staring up at the stars. Ryan had asked him which stars Luke thought were the prettiest. Luke had cradled Ryan’s face in his hands and said: “The ones in your eyes.” After that first kiss, Luke found out Ryan had been too shy to initiate a kiss. From then on Ryan was the one to ask for kisses. Luke hadn’t mind at all. He never wanted to not kiss the other. 

But the asks for kisses had died down in the last couple of months. Ryan asked for less and less and hardly asked him anything anymore. The man had become more and more closed off by the weeks and Luke wondered what he did wrong. He knew how Ryan felt about him working late, but was that the entire reason for the distance between them? Luke couldn’t help but feel it was more his fault than he liked to admit. Had he not been good enough to Ryan? 

They had danced for a couple of songs when Evan suggested they’d get something to drink. Jonathan had his hand on the small of Evan’s back as he led the other back towards the bar and Ryan felt a pang of jealousy. He wanted Luke to be here and dance with him. He wanted Luke to hold him close like he had once done before. 

Before every lovely little thing between them went to shit. In the last month they had argued more than they had made love. The worst argument was when he asked Luke to take a day off. The other had looked so exhausted and pale in the face. He didn’t want Luke to get sick by overworking himself. 

Of course, Luke denied everything and protested to all he had said. Ryan argued back and the situation exploded. “You can’t always overwork yourself! You need rest,” he had shouted. He really did mean the best for his partner. “One of us has to!” Luke had shouted back and the world had gone entirely too silent. 

Luke new how Ryan struggled to find a job. Luke knew how hard he worked. He tried, he really did. Ryan had noticed the shocked look on Luke’s face morph into guilt, but he was too shocked by the other’s words. Luke tried to apologize, but he didn’t give him a chance and left to lock himself in his tiny recording room. 

Even when Luke knocked on his door, hours later, he wasn’t able to open the door. He listened to the apology before the other walked away, staying silent. He had not joined Luke in bed for the very first time. And he knew something had changed since that moment. It changed for the worst. He no longer felt the need to share his thoughts, he no longer felt safe to ask something of Luke. He no longer felt sure about himself, about them. And for the very first time since he had been through all the shit life threw at him; he felt insecure. 

The beer can hit the bottom of the empty trash-bin and Luke couldn’t help a small smile appearing on his face. Ryan had taken out the trash, like he always did. He never had to ask, Ryan just did. With so many things. He hardly had to ask, the other already figuring out what he wanted. Replenishing the beers in the fridge because he knew Luke liked to drink a cold one after work. 

A painful pang went through his heart when he opened the cupboard where he stashed away his snacks, they were restocked. Ryan had told him so many times before how unhealthy his snacking was, but he always added them to the cart when he went grocery shopping. Luke’s eyes were dull as he stared at his favourite pack of biscuits, they were in the form of bunnies. 

Ryan had laughed the first time he found them. A cheeky smile on his face as he asked if he liked them so much because they reminded them of him. Luke had tried, and succeeded, to kiss the smirk off of the other’s face. His heart throbbed painfully when he put the package down. What had he ever done to deserve someone as considerate as Ryan? 

With a jolt he realised that he didn’t deserve Ryan at all. No. He had been a terrible boyfriend, neglecting the other and his needs. Less and less time was spent together and more and more they grew apart. He knew Ryan was a very affectionate and physical person. He loved to cuddle and get close to Luke. Always a hand on some part of Luke’s body. His favourite spot was Ryan’s hand in his, squeezing softly. 

Ryan could see the frown on Jonathan’s face as he downed another shot, asking for another one from the bartender. It wasn’t Jon’s fault that he couldn’t look the other in the eye. The guilt that surfaced when he looked in ocean blue eyes. He felt like he wanted to cry, to tell Jon all that he was feeling, but he couldn’t. 

Jonathan had been Luke’s best friend for so unbelievably long. They were like two peas in a pot. At first Ryan had believed that no one was more important to Luke than Jonathan. But Luke had looked his way and decided he was worthy of al his attention and affection. He almost chuckled at the memory of the three of them hanging out at Luke’s place, when he had confessed to being afraid to steal Luke away from Jon. The two friends had shared a look, before pulling Ryan into a hug. 

Jon had told him that he was his friend as well and that he wasn’t planning on letting their relationship come between him and either of them. “I don’t pick sides,” Jon had said with a crooked smile. Ryan had felt so relieved. Even now, with all of their troubles, Jonathan kept true to his words and stood by both their sides. 

Ryan snorted. He thought it was a mistake. Jon should stay by Luke, like he had always done. But Jon tried and tried to talk to Ryan, he kept showing that he was willing to support him just as much and it was too much for Ryan. From the corner of his eyes he could see Evan talking to Jon, leaning in close, and jealousy came bubbling up again. 

Why did he and Luke have so much trouble? While they were perfectly fine. Why were they still so happily in love? Why couldn’t he have that? Why couldn’t Luke look at him like Evan looked at Jon? Like he was his everything. 

He downed another drink as he thought back to the times where Luke had looked at him like that. Way back, when everything was alright. As he saw Evan and Jon going back to the dancefloor, he went to order another drink. But Tyler stopped him. “You’ve had enough.” 

And that was final. He felt the warm hand of his friend clap him on the back as a gesture of comfort. But he was feeling anything but as he looked at the couple dancing to a slow song. Jon was swinging Evan around in his arms way to wildly to the slow beat of the song. He couldn’t hear the laugh that came forth from Evan’s mouth, but he could see the sparkles in his eyes. He could see the content smile on Jon’s face as he pulled the other close. His hand on Evan’s lower back, the other in Evan’s hand. Evan leaned his head on Jon’s shoulder and closed his eyes. 

As Ryan went to look away from the sight that made him as sick with jealousy as it did fill him with happiness, he noticed the silver band on Jon’s ring finger. His heart stopped and then throbbed violently as he remembered their wedding. It had been so much fun, a day filled with so many emotions. 

From Jonathan having to be practically dragged to the altar by Luke and him because he was so nervous, to Evan’s tears when they read their wedding vows. But mostly there was happiness. They were so happy. And when Luke had pulled Ryan close during their dance and kissed him, he had hoped they would do the same. 

He had absolutely wanted to marry Luke. Tears started to form in his eyes as he realised that he didn’t know if he still wanted to. Anthony worriedly asked him if he was alright. He wasn’t. A tear rolled down his cheek as he glanced once more at Jon and Evan. He wiped it away and told his other he was going home. 

Although he wasn’t so sure if home still felt like home. Tyler ordered him an Uber and watched him get in. His friends wished him a good night and watched on as the car pulled away. Ryan felt slightly guilty as he saw them disappear out of sight. He wished he was in a better state of mind, but right now he wasn’t. His feelings told him that it wouldn’t get any better soon. 

Luke slowly made his way up the stairs, looking carefully at the pictures Ryan had hung upon the wall. He had never been the sentimental type, but he knew it was important to Ryan. Most of them were of their friends, some from years ago. The eldest picture was one of Ryan being surrounded by their friends in a group-hug. It was the first time he had met all of them, when he took the masked part away from his old gamer tag. Luke remembered clearly how nervous Ryan had been and how he wouldn’t let go of his hand. 

Other pictures were from birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving and other group gatherings. Luke and Ryan were part of most of the pictures, but there was one of just Evan and Jonathan. They were in their wedding suits, surrounded by flowers. They looked so happy. When Luke had asked why Ryan put that one on their wall, he had been told how proud Ryan was of them and that he loved seeing them so happy. 

Once Luke was on the top of the stairs, his heart pounding painfully. He entered their shared bedroom and sat down on the bed. Head in his hands as he thought thoroughly about his decision. A headache was coming up as he kept going back and forth in his mind. He groaned and rubbed his face. His eyes landed on the picture frame on the nightstand. 

It was his favourite picture of the two of them together. It had been Jon’s birthday and he had gotten a new camera from him and Ryan. Jon decided that the first picture he took would be of them and Luke had pulled Ryan close. Right as Jon took the picture, he had smooched Ryan on the cheek, taking the other by surprise. He couldn’t help but smile as he looked at Ryan’s red face, expression bewildered. 

Suddenly, he felt like he knew what to do. He wanted Ryan to be happy. And if he couldn’t be the one to make him happy, he was willing to find out. He’d give him space. Maybe Ryan would be happier without him. Would Ryan want to find out how it felt without him? Maybe Ryan would find out that he was better off without Luke. 

If that was true, Luke would back off. Luke would let him go, let him be free. That doesn’t mean he wouldn’t miss Ryan or stop loving him. Oh god, how he’d miss him. Once he had packed his suitcase, he went back down the stairs. He grabbed his bag and coat from by the couch and waked towards the front door. The doorknob in his hands when he looked back at the living room, suddenly feeling unsure. 

His vision became blurry as he took in all they ha built together. And with a heavy heart he pulled the door close behind him. 

“Luke?” 

Ryan stepped into the living room, noticing how all the lights were off. Something felt very off the moment he noticed Luke’s car was gone from their driveway. Had he not yet returned home? That couldn’t be, he never made it that late. He noticed the absence of Luke’s shoes and now his bag wasn’t in its regular spot. “Luke?” he called out again, louder this time. 

He felt panic starting to rise as the house stayed silent. Ok, calm down Ryan, maybe he forgot his bag at work and he took his shoes off elsewhere. A voice popped up in his head; that doesn’t explain the missing car. He checked the fridge, noticing the can of beer he had put in there for the other was gone. That meant Luke had come home. 

Ryan sighed, but somehow didn’t feel any more at ease. The uneasy feeling started to rise as he climbed up the stairs, ignoring the pictures on the wall. The house was too silent. He would’ve been able to hear Luke’s snores by now. How he hated that sound, but now he missed it. “Luke?” he called out, opening the door to their bedroom. 

The first thing he noticed was the lack of a body and movement in the bed. The second thing he noticed was the opened wardrobe, a part of the clothes missing. Luke’s side. He gasped as he walked towards it, not believing his eyes. 

“Oh god no,” he whispered as tears began to fall. He staggered back and he fell on top of the bed, tripping over his own feet. His hand landed on something cold and he grasped it, bringing it to his face to see what it was. It was the picture frame that stood on their nightstand. It was the one that he had gifted to Luke for their 5th anniversary. Luke had loved it so much, and even though Ryan had felt unsure about it first, it was the best gift he could’ve given. Luke then proceeded to tell him how stupid he felt for getting Ryan a gift card to his favourite game store and a bouquet of roses. Ryan had told him that he was happy with the gifts and how happy he was with Luke. 

They had laughed and even though Ryan had told Luke the gifts were more than enough, he had taken him out to a fancy dinner at an expensive restaurant. They had been so in love. Ryan tried to wipe his tears away as he put the frame back in its place. Only then did he notice a little note on top of his side of the bed. 

It could only be from Luke. It didn’t say much, but it broke Ryan’s heart in two. With the note pressed against his chest, he lay on top of the sheets, curled into a ball. His body was shaking as sobs wrecked through him. An overwhelming sadness eventually made him cry himself to sleep. The note slipping from his hands. Three simple words written on it. 

I love you.


End file.
